People who don’t have autism: you can’t self diagnose yourself with autism no matter how much research you do! You have to take 3947493 tests and pay thousands of dollars before you can call yourself autistic!!
People who have autism: yeah you’re autistic. We’re diagnosing you.
So my brand of autism comes with the “takes things literally” dlc but not in the way that I believe people when they say outlandish things but in the way that I believed my mother when she told me I can’t draw at age 5 and then again when she told me I’m not an artist when I tried to apply for an art academy so I gave up on drawing around middle school because I took it literally that I am NOT an artist and cannot be. Same for when she told me I can’t ever go to college, my child brain just accepted that as fact.
I took it literally when I worked in a factory and they had set goals for us and I worked myself to permanent injury, not understanding the unspoken rule of “take it slow and don’t worry about hitting the goal” because the managers knew they could take advantage of me and I’d do what they told me to do and all the other employees disliked me because I tried too hard and that could make the goals higher for everyone but nobody communicated this to me
I think one of the biggest issues with autism evaluations is that they don’t explain these things to people being evaluated. Taking things literally doesn’t mean I don’t understand sarcasm or jokes. It means I am easy to manipulate and take advantage of.
I think something a lot of other people can relate to is the way that you get so conditioned to discomfort that you stop registering it.
I remember sitting at the table with my family, eating dinner as a child. I’d try to eat, because of course I was hungry. But sometimes the flavor or texture was so repugnant that it moved into a category of Not Food.
“Two more bites before you can leave the table.”
“I can’t,” I’d say, trying to explain the impossibility.
But because I was a child they heard, “I won’t,” and made me sit at the table. I’d sit in dull agonized silence, bored and hungry for hours until bedtime when they’d give up. I’d hate myself for not eating and my parents for forcing me to sit there. The few forcefeeding moments ended in vomit.
They’d say, “If you don’t eat this you can’t eat a snack later,” and I moved past trying to communicate my discomfort into accepting that I’d just be hungry.
That state of affairs didn’t last, because my parents realized nothing could force me to eat so they catered to my palate, worrying they’d starve me. But the message stuck. If you can’t do anything about a situation, just accept the suffering.
A few years later my mother called me off the playground to ask, “Are you limping?”
I shrugged. My feet had hurt for a long time, but that was just the way things were now. My mom pulled my socks and shoes off and gasped. The soles of my feet were covered in huge painful planters warts.
“Why didn’t you say anything?!” She demanded but I could only shrug at her. I’d learned a long time ago that saying things about my discomfort didn’t matter, so now I had no words. Sometimes things hurt and sometimes they don’t. I simply accepted and did my best.
Now as an adult trying to learn to improve my own conditions can be hard. If I make food that I can’t eat I’ll force myself to sit at the counter still, full of guilt and self loathing, trying to will myself to eat it.
At first I needed my betrothed to gently take it away to present me with something I could eat. Now on my own I can usually admit that it’s not happening before too long and get something else, but I still feel guilty.
Laying in bed at night waiting for my betrothed to finish getting ready I let out a huge sigh of relief when they turned the lights off.
“Why didn’t you turn them off if they bothered you?” they asked the first time it happened.
“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone.”
Assessing my physical state now to see if I can improve it is something I’m still relearning but I’m relieved to finally have the space and support to do it.
Way way back I drew a comic explaining what we really mean by ‘The Autism Spectrum’ and posted it here back when Tumblr was Huge. Then the comic really blew up!! Last year I did a remake of the comic, with some updated language, and using Mia, a character from a graphic novel I made. Figured I’d share for Autism Acceptance Month!
this one’s for “stupid” mentally disabled people. people who can’t do basic math. people who are gullible to no fault of their own. people who can’t understand nuance in some situations. people with cognitive issues. intellectually disabled people.
hey, you’re doin’ just fine. doing a great job, even! don’t put yourself down or feel like your worth as a person rests on how smart you are. we’ll be ok
“bluntly honest” autism but in the sense that i absolutely cannot refrain from complimenting strangers if i like their earrings or their shirt or i think they have a friendly-sounding laugh or i think their art is beautiful or i think the fic they wrote portrays the characters so well. “bluntly honest” doesn’t have to mean “mean”. i love to tell people things that are kind and also true.
Saw a thread on Twitter of “gifts to give a person with ADHD and autism” that was full of stereotypical and quite frankly patronizing items, so here’s a list of I (autistic individual) want instead as a gift
Lets talk about journaling & what to do when you just can’t write it out
So my main gripe with journaling is how much therapy will push this on you as if it’s the only method to working out the kinks in your life. It’s not. Journaling is not for everyone, no coping skill is. Everyone is different. And there are some major hiccups that come when you factor in:
• trauma involving invasive parents reading your journals and searching your rooms can give you a sense of paranoia around having an actual paper trail of your thoughts just lying around for others to see
• abusive partners and/or abusive environments that are hard to cultivate private personal space
• there is a huge stigma around journaling being a “feminine” activity and because of toxic masculinity men are less likely to engage
• it’s just awkward. Sometimes it’s just really really awkward to sit down and write your thoughts out on purpose. Some of us have never had that a day in our lives.
• What the hell do you write about???? How long do you write for??? How do you know when you’re done???? Why does this feel like a punishment??? Or homework????
The concept of journaling can be kinda problematic for trauma survivors to get into. So the first thing to do is understand why it’s useful and how it can help.
Writing things out is just a nifty neat little introduction to the concept of ✨ making space for yourself. ✨ How do you know what you’re feeling if you never say it out loud? How do you know what you want & need if you never give yourself time and space to ask? Everything feels too much, you’re numb, life sucks, too much pain and it’s not safe for you to talk about it out loud, right? You gotta find a way to ask yourself these questions cuz chances are no one else will. If you’ve never had anyone care about you on a deeper level like that, the yeah of course this kind of attention is difficult to sit with. It’s intentional, on purpose, you giving yourself time and space to think about things that probably no one has ever asked you before. That’s scary. And it’s never about the inability to write. You can write fanfiction, you can write poetry, you can write a 5 page essay on why you’re fed up to a friend. That’s not the problem. It’s the concept of ✨ being alone with our thoughts✨ that’s the actual problem. When someone suggests journaling to you, it can feel like, “yeah right, like that’s gonna help.” The thing is, who else is gonna help you figure it out? The same people you’re holding your breath wishing hoping waiting and expecting to notice you suffering in silence and come get you out of it? Has that worked yet? At some point you gotta wake up & try something else.
Let’s talk about alternatives & what to do when it is the actual fear of writing your thoughts out loud in a physical form:
Feel like someone’s gonna read ur thoughts? Try this:
Write in code
Write in scribbles
Color code your emotions & write in colored scribbles
Rip up the paper when you’re done
Tear the page out and set it on fire over the sink
Tear the page out and pour coffee or dark liquid over it to stain the page
Try a different creative / destructive outlet. Collages, coloring books, macrame, crochet, art projects, music, learn an instrument, play a video game, tear something apart, punch a pillow, scream, cry, ruminate & doom scroll to avoid ur feelings.
Use a notes app on your phone
Make a private discord server or private Tumblr specific for venting
Draw a picture
Use symbols
Draw vent art
Photoshop or digital editing vent art
Write fanfiction
Vent or talk to someone privately instead
Remember that you have a right to your life, your pain, and how you express yourself. Remember that you are absolutely allowed to cultivate a space of privacy and protection. Even if you just sit on it for a while and think about ways you can give yourself more privacy, space, and freedom of expression, that’s the entire point.
Don’t know what to write about? Try this:
Look up journaling prompts online
Look up art therapy prompts online
Ask yourself a question & write out the answer
Write about what’s bothering you right now
Write a letter to someone
Write a letter to yourself, your past self, present self, or future self
Write about what you wanna do this weekend
Write about what you did last weekend
Write about what’s for dinner
Write about what you’re excited for
Write that WIP you’ve been meaning to write for years now
Write a fanfic
Draw/ vent art
Write whatever comes to mind
Use shorthand or just write a few words at a time
List out your thoughts in bullet form
Write really big, one word per page
Cuss someone out
Write a poem
There are no rules, journaling is literally just there to help you become aware of your thoughts and help give you a safe space to be genuine and authentic with yourself. The goal is to just spend more time with yourself.
Feeling nervous or too anxious to write? Try this:
Buy a journal with a sick cover and cool pages with art on them
Write on loose leaf pages if books aren’t your thing and keep them stored in a notebook or folder
Body double or ask someone trusted to spend time with you while you write
Find a good space to be alone
Pick a time when it’s soft and easy to reflect, like bedtime or morning breakfast
Set the scenery. If ur at home then put on some music. Light a candle or burn an incense. Turn the lights low. Vibe. Chill.
Go outside and write or take pictures instead
Ease into it with a crossword puzzle, sudoku, or something else that stimulates your brain
Grab a comfort item or set up a comfort station
Grab a snack and some juice
Do something nice when youre done
Vent online instead
Try a different creative/destructive outlet
Vent or talk to someone trusted
Remember that there is no “right” or “wrong” thing to do here. You don’t have to write, you could try something else. Even if you just spend some time thinking about it, that’s good too. The goal is to make space for yourself. That’s all. No rush, no need to “get it right.” Take ur time. Breathe. Do something else. It’s fine.
Lack of motivation? Try this:
Stop expecting it to be on a schedule. If you’re not able to make it a routine then that’s where you are right now and that’s completely fine.
There’s no need to write every single day at every single time of day. You gotta find what works best for you.
I mean if that works for you then that’s great too!
Sometimes it’ll be so easy for your thoughts to flow, and other times it won’t be easy at all. Don’t forget that at the core of writing is the actual acknowledgement of whatever it is that needs to be said. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to do no matter how you’re trying to sweeten it.
Sometimes its just a quick little “I’m pissed off because-” whenever someone pisses ya off. Yanno?
Other times it’s like ten pages of you rambling non stop and it’s nice because there’s no one there to tell you to stop
Give yourself some room to breathe and wiggle with
Remember this isn’t a race. You move on your own timeline and if it’s not something you can do right now then that’s fine too.
Literally just slow down and breathe. If you don’t want to do it then you don’t have to force it.
If you do wanna do it but genuinely can’t, ask yourself what’s the biggest issue in the way and go from there
If it’s something like “I want to write but the effort to get the books and pens is too much” then makeshift a writing station. Make it portable. Throw your books and pens and crayons in a bag and carry it with you.
If it’s something like “I think this is stupid and I don’t want to do it” well then weigh out how it feels to keep going as you are now vs trying something new and kicking your parents ass for calling your emotions stupid.
If it’s something like “my hand hurts” then yeah honestly I feel you, that’s why I just started talking out loud to myself. At least my cat cares, right?
Can you find other ways of sitting with your thoughts? Yeah definitely. Just work really hard on noticing them. Writing is just a neat little way to do that. That’s all.
